The last 12 months have been a whirlwind
And here I stand.
32 trips around the sun.
Each trip seemed to have its own trials and life lessons to be learned.
This past one was a doozy.
Last year on my birthday I shared with the world a very raw and personal experience I had with a former employer.
Many of you were shocked and confused as to why I had kept this to myself for so long.
And truthfully I didn’t want to admit it to myself that I had been subjected to this kind of behavior. It was easier to act like it never happened.
So I did what I do best and I stuffed it down and kept surviving.
Until the world made me stop and it broke me.
So I began writing about it. Getting it all out so it was no longer just festering away in my mind.
The thing is, is that I have been stuffing down trauma my whole life.
“Handling” it on my own to not bother anyone with my problems.
Stuffing it down. Working harder to fill my mind and body with anything and everything to numb myself from the bad that has happened in my life.
I turned to drinking, to drugs. Anything to not be reminded of the pain suffered throughout the years.
But that lifestyle Wasn’t me living. It was me surviving. And it seemed to work until it didn’t.
This past year has been challenging but also so rewarding.
It was scary at moments. Getting to know my true self. The one at my core.
No more abusing drugs. No more alcohol. Just me.
How terrifying. Nothing to hide behind.
I spent the whole year getting to know myself.
I started to write more. I started to share my journey.
The more I released my truth onto the world the more at peace I felt.
I felt steady. More levelheaded.
I had felt alone with my feelings for so many years. But once I let people in and let them know the traumas I had endured in the past I could feel the weight slowly lift from my shoulders.
I made it kind of a point to share my stories to help others feel less alone. To help take some weight off of them.
In March of 2021 I had faced one of the most challenging and terrifying experiences of my life. Peed on a stick that said I was pregnant. Then a week later a sharp pain in my abdomen sent me to the ER. It ended up being from an ectopic pregnancy. We lost that pregnancy but I was thankful to be alive. It was a whole lot of life wrapped into a giant mess of emotions.
In April, Austin and I got married and it was so wonderful to be surrounded by so much love especially after such a loss the month before. We had a small wedding 38 people in attendance and it was perfect. We got married in the backyard of Stellar Hog- an amazing BBQ joint owned by Austin’s friend Alex. It was magical.
Then May came with a whole lot of uncertainty.
My body felt like it was fighting against me as I got sick for about 3 weeks straight. Something wasn’t right. I waited, waited until it had been long enough for the levels of hCG to have made its way out of my system from the previous pregnancy. Peed on a stick.
Wtf. Is this real? “Positive”.
June-my first doctors appointment to determine whether I was experiencing pregnancy again or if it was something else.
Good news. 11 weeks pregnant. How in the world. At the time I had surgery 12 weeks ago.
Finally after holding my breath for what seemed like eternity, I could exhale. I could let myself feel excited.
With my whole journey this year I wrote about it.
I shared my highs and lows with all of you.
I have gotten the chance to talk to quite a few women about their losses and how me sharing my story helped them. And that’s exactly why I do it. Why I share intimate details of my life with others. To let others know. It’s okay to not be okay. These women also shared their stories of loss and life with me and helped me through a very dark time. And for that I am forever grateful.
Life is unbelievably brutal sometimes but we are never alone even if it feels like we are going to drown in the sadness.
For all of the sadness in the world there is beauty. There is always a balance of energy whether we choose to see it or not.
The joy of this pregnancy has been such a wonderful gift and has shown me so much beauty in the past 16 weeks. So many of you have reached out to us with love and have offered to help out and I appreciate all of your kindness.
This year on my birthday I am happy to share a more joyful story than last years.
We are unbelievably blessed to be expecting our first child this December. A sweet little girl named Shelby Jean. (Named after my Gma and my Mom)
It has been a reminder that life can bring light in what seems like the darkest of times.
A true testament to what difference one year can make.
A very Happy Birthday to me.
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