You know that part in Frozen where Elsa sings “kingdom of isolation, and it looks like I’m the queen”.
Yup. That is pretty much how I am feeling at this particular stage of motherhood.
For the past week or two (what is time) Shelby has refused to nap unless I am holding her.
*with the exception of a nap when we went on a walk the other day
I have tried everything. Yes I have tried (insert tip it trick here). She is at that stage where this happens. She has severe FOMO (fear of missing out). Her brain is developing more and more each day, which is a good thing.
I know this won’t last forever.
But it still takes its toll on me. Emotionally and physically.
And the hardest part is that no one can help me.
Shelby still refuses any bottle we try to give her. So feeding her is 100% on me. (both literally and figuratively)
She is a distracted eater so I have to nurse her in the dark which then ends up being me nursing her to sleep.
So now no one can put her to sleep but me.
Some may say I am creating “bad habits” but to me this is how my daughter needs me and so this is me being there for my daughter. No matter how challenging it may be.
And I know that one day I will miss these days, everyone keeps telling me, but that doesn't change how it feels right now. Right now when I am currently in it.
I feel the inevitable shift of life going forward and the feeling of being an afterthought in others lives.
And I know that it won't feel like this forever. I know that. But again knowing that this won't last forever doesn't change the way I feel at this moment. As much as I wish that it could.
On one hand yes I absolutely love being with my daughter everyday, getting to spend this time with her, getting to watch every milestone before my eyes. I am very grateful.
On the other hand it mentally breaks me some days. Especially the days where it seems like I haven’t had one moment to myself. One moment to feel like my own entity.
And I think maybe my child needs all the warmth and comfort that me and/or past generations may not have felt when we were young.
And so I press on, reminding myself that these hard days are worth it. Because making sure Shelby feels loved, comforted, and safe is worth it.
The point of me sharing this isn’t to complain or to seem ungrateful for the life I am living because trust me I am unbelievably grateful that this is my life.
But it is more so for the other moms sitting in the dark, feeding their baby, knowing that when they put them down to nap, that more times than not, that cute little baby is going to be wide eyed and not wanting to miss out on the world around them. This is me telling you that you aren’t alone. That I am here too, rocking my baby in the dark, feeling like I too am the Queen of Isolation.
Let this post be a reminder to all moms that we are doing a great job, even on the hard days.
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